It’s back-to-school and an ideal time to readdress screen time at home. Ahhhhh, so not easy!
When we approach emotionally triggering topics with our kids, having a road map, including specific things to say, can be extremely helpful. I know all too well that without those things, my reactive brain can take over, and everything can go sideways.
Eleven years now into studying the intersection of biology, psychology, communication science, and parenting screen time, I offer my top 3 steps for creating new or cementing existing tech time policies as back-to-school kicks off.
I have included specific dialogue examples to help.
I cannot tell you the number of youth and young adults who have told me over the past 11 years say the following things:
“My mom doesn't get how I just want to unwind funny videos after school.”
“My dad doesn't get that I am actually using my brain when I play these video games.”
“My mom doesn't understand that this is social time when I'm talking with my friends on my phone.” (by "talking," they mean texting, snapping, facetime, etc.)
The list goes on and on. Here is THE NUMBER ONE reason that we are starting off the school year by letting them genuinely feel that we understand what they are saying about their screen time — we might not condone it, we might not truly relate to it, but we are letting them know we are hearing what they are saying and we hear how much these things mean to them.
Remember, people want to be understood as much as they want what they think they want.
You can write down a list of things you think they feel, read it during dinner, and then ask, "What did I get right and wrong, and what am I missing? I want to make sure you know I know how important your screen time is for you?”
You can ask them to tell you all the ways that they enjoy and need their screen time. Make sure to have them pause along the way so you can repeat back what they are saying the best you can, so they feel truly heard. Dr. Alisha Moreland- Capuia highlights this key communication skill in Screenagers Under The Influence.
Values are, simply put, things we care about and are worth our sincere attention.
I recommend waiting a day or so after you do your validation to raise the topic of values. This is the time when you get to say express your values when it comes to why you feel it is important that there be defined times when screens are put away.
“I need to parent with integrity. Otherwise, I am not doing my best job as a parent. For me, parenting with integrity means integrating scientific findings into our family life. I’ve learned, for example, that having in-person time with friends is really important for mental wellbeing.”
“I deeply value your independent and fiercely creative self. So I want to ensure you are not just consuming things on screens but have time to create your own things, and yes, at times, I know you do creative things with your games and such online, etc., but having time free from all that is important.”
“I value helping you be best prepared for all the social and academic issues that happen daily at school, so doing all we can as a family to let you get sound sleep is critical. Science shows that just having screens in one’s room, not even when using them, causes the brain to work to resist the screens, so one’s sleep is just not as sound.”
“I value your entertainment time, and so yes, I want you to get to watch shows and other fun things online, so I am all about ensuring we factor in that time.”
And FINALLY, this is a key value to share with your kids:
“I value your input in figuring out how to have healthy screen time. So, for example, let's discuss how we will spend time together in the car. I know you like to check your phone right after school when I pick you up, and you know I want us to have car rides be screen-free time. Let's see if there is a compromise we can make.”
(** This does not mean that all tech rules are negotiable, but making compromises when possible is a wonderful way to show our kids that their input is valued.)
The pull of our metaverse is massive beyond belief. Parenting in silos has to go. Yet we stay secluded because our culture has instilled an ethos of "family life is private life."
Every one of us can work to change this unhelpful cultural trope. Below are some examples.
“Hi, Noah, this is Mohammad. I know our 5th graders are good friends. I am so glad they hang out on the weekends. I wonder if we can both have some type of policy in our homes that ensures that part of the time they hang out, they’re off of video games and screens in general. My son has a hard time moderating gaming, but once he is off, he always loves the other things he does with his friends.”
“Hi Frank, you may have heard that my wife and I have separated and live in different homes. It has been hard, but we are doing ok. This parenting screen time from different households has been really stressful. I wonder if you and Jane have found any ways that work for you since your separation?”
“Because we have heard from so many clinicians the many ways that devices in rooms impact Jenny's sleep, we are switching to a policy of being out of the bedroom at night. I wonder, do you have this rule in your home? I know Betsy and Jenny are so close, and maybe if we do this together, even if they don't say it, I bet they will be glad knowing their friends are also off their devices. Plus, our girls are so empathic. I know they want to be there for each other at all times, but this way, they know that instead, everyone is getting good sleep, so they will be more present for each other the next day.”
These types of conversations are challenging! But creating a village, I mean a real village, requires it.
As always, your help in getting these solution-focused blogs to others means so much to me and everyone here at Screenagers. Please consider forwarding this to parents you know. Thank you in advance!
Things to get the conversation started:
1. Validate: Take time to validate and ask how well you did
2. Values: Discuss values and how they can best dictate screen-free time.
3. Village: Talk about ways that creating a village can prevent people’s time from being swallowed by the metaverse.
Here is a video from the Screenagers YouTube Channel that talks more about this subject
It’s back-to-school and an ideal time to readdress screen time at home. Ahhhhh, so not easy!
When we approach emotionally triggering topics with our kids, having a road map, including specific things to say, can be extremely helpful. I know all too well that without those things, my reactive brain can take over, and everything can go sideways.
Eleven years now into studying the intersection of biology, psychology, communication science, and parenting screen time, I offer my top 3 steps for creating new or cementing existing tech time policies as back-to-school kicks off.
I have included specific dialogue examples to help.
I cannot tell you the number of youth and young adults who have told me over the past 11 years say the following things:
“My mom doesn't get how I just want to unwind funny videos after school.”
“My dad doesn't get that I am actually using my brain when I play these video games.”
“My mom doesn't understand that this is social time when I'm talking with my friends on my phone.” (by "talking," they mean texting, snapping, facetime, etc.)
The list goes on and on. Here is THE NUMBER ONE reason that we are starting off the school year by letting them genuinely feel that we understand what they are saying about their screen time — we might not condone it, we might not truly relate to it, but we are letting them know we are hearing what they are saying and we hear how much these things mean to them.
Remember, people want to be understood as much as they want what they think they want.
You can write down a list of things you think they feel, read it during dinner, and then ask, "What did I get right and wrong, and what am I missing? I want to make sure you know I know how important your screen time is for you?”
You can ask them to tell you all the ways that they enjoy and need their screen time. Make sure to have them pause along the way so you can repeat back what they are saying the best you can, so they feel truly heard. Dr. Alisha Moreland- Capuia highlights this key communication skill in Screenagers Under The Influence.
Values are, simply put, things we care about and are worth our sincere attention.
I recommend waiting a day or so after you do your validation to raise the topic of values. This is the time when you get to say express your values when it comes to why you feel it is important that there be defined times when screens are put away.
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