Spring breaks have begun around the country. It is the perfect time to address this topic: how do we encourage self-efficacy and independence in our kids and teens, given the many obstacles to doing so?

Obstacles such as their desire to stay inside and consume (video games, YouTube, shows, social media, etc.), or parents’ fears around letting kids do things out in the world alone. 

Yesterday, I was about to start an interview with Jen Gaudinani, MD, a specialist in teen eating disorders in the age of social media, for an upcoming podcast episode. She brought up Lenore Skenazy, who co-founded Let Grow (along with Jonathan Haidt, Peter Grey & Daniel Shuchman) to promote independence.

I said, “Oh, how funny! I’m releasing my podcast episode with her on Monday.”

Jen excitedly said, “Oh wow, Lenore completely impacted the way I parented!”  

Jen went on to email me the following: 

"When my older daughter turned 8 in 2013, I realized that her temperament was such that she needed lots of wing space to thrive. When I'd let her go ride her bike on her own, even a few blocks away from our (very safe, suburban) home, she'd return glowing and confident. Trying to find support for this amidst a world that told me letting my child go off alone would surely cause her to come to harm or me to get in trouble, I found Lenore Skenazy through reading ‘Free Range Kids,’ and my soul took a deep breath of relief. Her stories and perspective resonated deeply with me.

I increasingly let my daughter range farther out, often taking her five-year-old sister with her. They would return pink-cheeked and starry-eyed. When friends and family earnestly urged me to wait a few years, my husband and I talked about how we could solve for (myopic) near-term physical safety, or we could solve for what we thought she needed to remain a whole, joyful human as she grew up. The gamble was correct.” 

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I’d love it if you could find a little time (30 mins) to listen to the podcast episode that released on Monday, where Lenore and I get into the topic of raising independent kids. (Listen here: Apple Podcasts // Spotify // Castbox // YouTube // Website)

For now, in today's blog, I share two short sections from that episode. One is about research, and the other is a short idea for how you can help your child build self-efficacy over spring break and beyond.

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On the Research

Lenore and I discussed an important recent study, the Mott's Children's Study, which sought to determine how much independence parents thought their kids should receive versus how much they were actually giving.

Lenore Skenazy: (from our podcast conversation)

"So they asked parents of kids aged 5 through 11, "Do you want your kids to be independent?" Yes, they all thought yes.

Do you want to give them more independence? Yes, the vast majority said yes. But then they asked specific questions of the parents of kids aged 9 to 11. They said, "Well, would you let your kid that age play at the park with a friend?" And the majority said, "No." Okay, how about walking to a friend's house? No.

How about trick or treat? Like, just trick or treat without an adult? No. My favorite one is that 50 percent of the parents of kids aged 9 to 11 will not let their child go to another aisle at the store. And that, to me, is a smoking gun because a store, you can't have somebody taking a screaming 9 to 11-year-old out of the store without somebody noticing.

And also, by the time you're fantasizing about that, you've already gone off the rails. The more your fear represents something that you'd see in the movies while you're popping the popcorn, the less likely it is to happen in real life. And there's almost no way that a tween could be taken out of the store without them protesting, without somebody noticing, without you knowing it."

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On Encouraging Independence

Lenore’s Let Grow organization has a wonderful “Independence Kit”  that you can download for free, including a host of seasonal activities to promote self-efficacy. 

Lenore Skenazy: (Sharing a homework exercise Let Grow suggest schools could use)

“Do something new with your parent’s permission, but without your parents. Something that you want to do, and even kids who are anxious. Maybe they want to be able to take the brownies out of the oven instead of you always doing it, or they want to play at the park with a friend, or they want to order the pizza on the phone.”

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Of course, ideas will need to adjust to the child’s age. I remember back when we lived in Stony Brook, NY, and many parents didn’t want their teens taking the train into NYC and being in NYC alone.

So, how about encouraging a teen to discover a new part of your town/city? How about going to a volunteer experience alone? The list goes on.

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Here are some questions you can use to have a conversation about this with your kids, family or group:

1. What is something that you haven’t done alone (or with friends, but without parents) that could be good to do this Spring Break?
2. Parents, can you share some experiences where you did things independently and how that made you feel? 
3. What does everyone think of this quote, (which is from a dear mentor of mine): “People do not mature in preparation for responsibility, but rather as a result of it.”

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This week on YouTube

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